One of my favorite movies is Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. Don't watch it based on me saying that. Over the course of my life, it has been made clear to me that just because I like a movie does not mean that anyone else in the known Universe will like it. As a result, I quit making recommendations. I like what I like. Enough. Anyway, at the end of the movie, the protagonist, a guy who will eventually be the head of British Intelligence, engages in a conversation with another character about his counterpart in the Soviet Union. A guy named Carlo. Apparently, they had met several years back when they were both junior officers and the protagonist was trying to convince him to defect to the West. For a moment, he acts out the part. Like he's having the conversation all over again with an invisible man. It's a pretty cool scene. At the end, Carlo, unconvinced or unmoved, gets on a plane back to Moscow. He is also going, most likely, to his death. He obviously survives, but the point is he was willing to go back. Even if, by going back, he would go to his death. The protagonist then breaks character and says to his companion, "That's how I know he can be beaten. He's a fanatic, and the fanatic is always concealing the secret doubt."
Growing up in the "Bible Belt", something I often heard, especially at the end of sermons, was the speech against doubt. You've got to know that you know that you know. If you have ANY doubt in your mind, you need to come to the alter. Now, I understand the point of this speech, and I support where they are coming from. If you don't know Jesus, if you've never given your heart to him, and made an attempt to follow Him; then, yes, you should go to the alter and make it right. I'm not sure that I like the idea of doing it out of fear. I think the Christian life is bigger than "not having to go to hell". I would prefer, that someone see a fuller more rewarding life with some kind of purpose and goes to the alter in search of it, but whatever gets you there, I guess. I suppose the going and making it right is that important. Here's the problem. What happens the next Sunday? Or week? Or whatever? When the emotions wear off, then what do you know that you know that you know? It is my belief that most people don't know. Well, most people who have bothered to even think about it probably. Honestly, just about every time I ever heard that speech I could have gone. Even today, I am constantly concerned about it. Am I being good enough? Will Jesus really stand up for me? Was His sacrifice great enough to cover ALL my sins? I guess that's why I'm not a fanatic. Who needs secret doubts? I have plenty of real ones.
Now, I'm no Ted Bundy, but I've got regrets. Things that occurred in my life that I know, and more importantly knew at the time, were definitely wrong. Guess what? Like you, I did them anyway. I felt bad about it later, and asked forgiveness but it never really felt like it was enough. There are two schools of thought on that last sentence. The first side would say that because of my actions, I lost my salvation. Even the smallest transgression would set me back to zero. Having been raised in this vein of theology, I would think it necessary to "get saved" all over again. Of course, because I am or was a teenage boy, I would inevitably fail and repeat the process several times a week. Eventually, I decided that I was probably just going to hell, and there wasn't a whole lot I could do about it. I was about 18, maybe 19, and it was not a good time in my life. As Jerry Garcia said, "I'm going to hell in a bucket, but, at least, I'm enjoying the ride". Isn't that crazy? Well, the other side is equally stupid. The other argument is that it's not possible to lose your salvation. God's love is so big, that it's just not possible. If you have been saved, or think you were, and you find yourself sinning all the new, well, that's because you weren't "truly saved". Now, I've read most of the Bible and all the New Testament. I have never read where anyone "moaned" for days on end or years even in search of being truly saved. In fact, I don't think the words "truly saved" are ever even used. On the other hand, I do see Jesus tell Peter, "Come follow me" and later "You will deny me" and still later the same Peter founding the Christian Faith. I wonder if in all that time, Peter was truly saved or he wasn't until after the denial or... well, it gets pretty confusing, doesn't it?
Honestly, being a Christian and what I believe is a big part of who I am. I try to live that way, and I'm sure I fail miserably at it most of the time. It's something that's always on my mind. What do I believe? Am I doing it right? Am I good enough? Does being good even matter? I feel like it is mostly a product of the culture I was raised in. While yes, I do believe man's search for meaning is real, and is constantly on the mind of everyone, I'm not sure that it is quite as big a burden to folks from other parts of the country. I know that, because I've lived other places and I've seen it. Nevertheless, it is a big part of who I am, and as such, I've had to come to terms with it. After many years, I believe I have, and I think that neither of the two theologies above are correct. I think that the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Yes, I do believe you can lose your salvation, but I don't think it happens easily. Just like attaining salvation in the first place, it's a choice. I have chosen to follow Jesus. I have chosen to try and live my life according to his teachings and commandments. I have realized that the more I try to do that, the more wretched a creature I recognize myself and humanity to be. I have chosen to believe it is that way by design. He wants me to see how easily I can attain His love and forgiveness and how big it all is. Sometimes, when I really think about it, my heart swells up and I feel like it's going to burst because of all the love around me, and in those times I really feel present with God. It's not every day, but it does happen. So, no, don't ask me for a list of rules. I don't keep up with stuff like that. I don't care what you or your friend or Pastor or Televangelist said about this or that. If it were about rules, the Pharisees would've been rock stars wouldn't they? Your business is your business. Mine is mine. I've decided it's way simpler than that. God is love. He died for my sins. His sacrifice is so big that nothing else matters but my belief in it. It's simple. It's just got to be.
